Cool Adoption Music Video

Being an adoptive mother, I always love anything positive I can find on adoption. This morning I came across a cool music video and thought I would share. Click on the link below to view. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhqJYOYcnAU

Happy Birthday Conner

Dear Conner,

As I sit here at the computer tonight I find it so hard that tomorrow you will be turning six. Conner, you have brought more joy into our lives than you will ever know. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for blessing my life with you.

I cannot believe that just over six years ago your dad and I felt the urgency to put in our paperwork again to begin the adoption process a second time. We knew the wait would be short but we had no idea how short it would be. We found out in the middle of January that your birthmom was looking at files and was considering us. We found out that next week that she had selected us to be your parents. You weren't due be born for another ten days. You, however, had different plans. Once she selected us and we wrote back to her, she went into labor. Your birthmom and I both know that all you were waiting for was for her to decide on a family. Once she had done that, you didn't see the need to wait any longer and decided to make your grand appearance into the world.

The day you were placed in our arms was a day I will never forget. Your dad and I got up and got dressed in our Sunday best. We were so excited to finally see you. Aunt Michele watched Sam while we went and met you. Your birthmom, Brenda, brought you over from the hospital. One of your birthfather's sisters came along with her for moral support. Brenda walked into the room and immediately placed you in my arms. Michael McLean wrote a song that I think beautifully describes what everyone in that room felt that day.

There's an ache that's missing today
There's an emptiness that's been filled
There's a cloud that's lifting and drifting away
There's a raging storm that's been stilled
There's a joy that's real
There's a wound that's finally healed
There's a future replacing the past
This breath of new life in the cast
Something perfect is happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And the countless tomorrows in a world disappears
Something that's perfect is happening here.
No one knows so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines in today
shine tomorrow no one can tell
But one thing is sure and will be forever more
Such unselfish love has been giv'n
The world just made more room for Heaven
Something perfect is happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And the countless tomorrows in a world disappears
Something that's perfect is happening here.

The Spirit was so strong in that room that day. There is not a doubt in my mind or Brenda's mind that this was all part of our Heavenly Father's great plan for you.

Little did we know when we left the agency that day, that Brenda would come back into our lives. As you know, Brenda eventually married your birthfather, Steve. Through the years, Brenda has become a very good friend of mine. I love her for not only being your angel birthmom but I also love her for becoming my eternal friend. I have felt many times in talking with her that she was my sister long before we came to this earth life.

As I have watched you through the years Conner, I can't help but think of what a beautiful combination of nature and nurture you are. You are so laid back and easy going. We all know you didn't get that from definitely didn't come from me or your dad! I know your laid back easy going spirit is a trait of Brenda. I love that about you. When I look at you I see so much of your physical traits are directly linked to Steve. You look so much like him. But I also see a lot of Steve's wittiness in you. I haven't quite figured out what you have of mine. Other than you are my little cuddle bug! I love you for that. I also see you do alot of your dad's expressions. People always comment how much you look like him too. Teachers at the school often remind me that you are so your father's son!

I hope you always remember just how loved you truly are. You have a huge birthfamily that loves you so much. Your dad and I love you more than you know. You have great grandparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all who love you. The relationship I have loved watching through the years is that of you and Sam. Sam had prayed for a brother for years. You see Sam knew you were coming long before your dad and I knew you were coming. When we found out about you, we had just had a great Christmas. We had spent some of our adoption savings to have a huge Christmas. We figured we would have plenty of time to put it back in. So imagine my surprise when the agency called and said Brenda was considering us and one other family. I went to my room to pray that she would choose the other family. I wanted a baby so bad but didn't know how we would pay the adoption cost. I came downstairs from closing my prayer and Sam said, out of the blue, that he was getting a new baby brother. I hadn't said a word to him about there even being that possibility. I knew in that moment that you were coming. I went upstairs and offered a "please forgive me prayer" and vowed we would do whatever it took to get you here. I have to admit that it wasn't all roses. While Sam had prayed for a little brother, once he figured you were here to stay, he wasn't quite sure what he had prayed for! However, it didn't take you two long to become the best of friends. As I have watched you two play through the years, once again I have come to know that you two knew each other long ago. I love the way that you admire Sam. I thought it was so cute last week when you found out that Sam had ski school on Friday and wouldn't be home until after 8:00. You cried so hard that Sam wouldn't be home all day on Friday. It was cute how you waited all day long for him to get home. I hope you two always remain best friends.

Conner I love so much about you. I love your beautiful blue eyes. When you were born, Brenda was hoping that they would stay blue. They have and they are so pretty. I love looking into those pretty blue eyes. I love it that you are six and are still my little cuddle bug! Sam was such an active baby that I wanted the next baby to be more cuddly and that you were. There were days that I would curse that I couldn't put you down without you fussing. But I have come to love your hugs and kisses. I love it how you come and jump in my arms and cuddle with me. I know I already commented about how easy going you are. I love your easy going way. I often wish I could be more like that. I could talk to you all day. I love to hear your cute little voice. I love how witty you are. I always manage a good laugh when I talk to you. I know we joke about it but I think it is cute how your ears get red and glow whenever you are sick or tired. It is always a good indicator of when it's your bed time. You are so creative. I know I cuss the torn paper around the house and how my paper products are always disappearing but I love how you are always trying to create things. I love the sweet Spirit that you bring into our family. Our family would not be complete without you. I admire your desire to do what is right. I hope that will continue throughout your whole life. I as a mom, often think I learn more from my children than I will ever teach them. Most of all Conner, I consider myself most blessed for being chosen to be your mom.

My birthday letter to you wouldn't be complete without giving thanks to the one who gave you life. I think as an adoptive mom that is the hardest thing about birthdays for me. While they are always such an exciting day for us, it hurts me to know that somewhere out there someone is missing you a little more on your special day. I will forever be indebted to your birthmom, your birthfather, and our Heavenly Father for bringing you into our family. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father for the sacrifice that they made. I am often overwhelmed at the trust that they have placed in me to be your mother.

In a few short hours you will be six. We will awake to a day filled with festivities for your special day. We will celebrate with friends, family, cake, presents and balloons. I hope your day will be a great one!

Love,
Mom

Heartache

It has taken me a while to get the next part of our adoption journey. I think it has been so hard because the next part of our journey is one that was filled with lots of sorrow and heartbreak.

Little did I know how much heartache my heart would have to endure the next three months before Sam would come into our home. I don't know why all of our adoption mishaps happened over three-day weekends. They did and I began to HATE three day weekends.

In January 1999 we received a phone call from the agency about a birth mom who was considering us. She had some questions for us. The social worker went on to ask me some of the questions this particular birthmother had for us. I hated being put in this position. I was on the spot, needed to answer immediately and knew based on whether or not she liked the answer I gave, determined whether or not she would select us to parent her baby. I tried to answer the questions correctly but also remain true to ourselves. I felt really good about my conversation with the social worker. I just had one of those feelings that this was it. However, I soon began to doubt those feelings because we didn't immediately hear back from our social worker. I was beginning to think that she had chosen someone else.

The next phone call I got was from the agency saying that she had the baby. It was a beautiful African-American baby girl. The agency informed me that this birthmother had previously placed a child for adoption several years earlier. They felt that she was very familiar with the process and with the feelings that go along with it. They were very confident that she was sure in her decision. This baby was born fairly local and we wouldn't have to travel far to pick her up. We were to go meet the birthmom and the birthgrandmother on a Friday. This is known as a face-to face meeting. At the time they usually happened once the birthmother had chosen you as the family and before she actually had the baby. However, because of circumstances beyond their control we would actually meet her right before we picked up our new baby girl. We then would be able to pick up our baby and head home. I was so excited. We only had a matter of days to get everything put together to bring a new baby home. We could hardly contain our excitement! Word quickly spread that we were were going to be new parents. Our neighborhood was great. It seems that on Thursday before we were to leave, our doorbell hardly quit ringing. Friends and neighbors brought over clothes, diaper bags, formula, and diapers to help us to prepare for our new addition. About 8:30 p.m. I got sick. I felt nauseated, feverish, and had a terrible sore throat. I dismissed it to nerves and went around feverishly trying to put together the last of the things I would need for the next day's events. Bryon and I finally climbed into bed somewhere around 10:30 p.m. Shortly after we climbed into bed, the phone rang. Bryon answered it. It didn't take me long to figure out that the news wasn't good. The social worker said that things started unravelling earlier in the day but didn't want to worry us unnecessarily. Some workers from the agency had gone to the temple in prayer for this birthmother and for us. Upon leaving the temple, they received word that the birthmother had been released from the hospital. She was having doubts about her decision to place her baby for adoption. She wanted to place the baby with a foster home for the extended weekend to sort out her feelings before making a final decision. We were devastated! We found out the birthmother had been released at almost the exact time that I began getting sick. I believe this to be one of those tender mercies that Elder Bednar talked about at a recent General Conference. I know this was Heavenly Father's way of letting me know that he was aware of me and was helping me to prepare my heart for the heartache that would unfold later that night. Instead of spending a sleepless night filled with the excitement of being new parents, we spent a very restless night wondering once again if our dreams of ever being parents would ever be fulfilled. The next morning, we packed our bags and headed to Burley to spend the weekend with my parents. While we were gone, our neighborhood came and packed away all of the baby items so we didn't have a constant reminder when we came home. We didn't even need to call the agency on Tuesday morning to see what the birthmother's decision was, we knew in our hearts the answer was "Not yet. Have faith and be patient."

Just before President's Day we got a phone call the first of the week about another possible situation. As I remember she wasn't due for about a month but her blood pressure was pretty high. They were doing some tests on the baby that very week and if the doctors felt like the lungs were developed enough they were going to take the baby. Our worker informed us this was a 99% chance go. The birthmother was a very young girl who had gotten pregnant from a rape. He also told us that her mother had placed a child for adoption years ago and so she had the support of a mom who had been through all of this before. This baby was Guatamalan. We were cautiously optimistic. Yes, we had been burned before but who couldn't possible get excited about a new baby?!? As it turned out we had plans to go to Burley. It was my sister Alyson's senior year. We were going to watch her cheer in one of her last games. Our social worker tried to talk us out of going to Burley for the weekend. I was not going to change my plans to stay home and sit by the phone and wait. We told the social worker we were leaving but left phone numbers where he could reach us. We received word upon getting to Burley that she had a darling baby boy who was small but perfectly healthy. We could pick him up on Sunday (which happened to be Valentine's Day that year). We were so excited. So on Sunday morning we left Burley that morning and drove back to Idaho Falls. We went to the agency where both her worker and our worker were there. The birthmother chose not to be there because she didn't want to meet us. I remember signing the papers and hearing our new baby cry in the next room. After signing the papers, we went in the next room and her worker placed our new baby boy in my arms. For one brief instant, I got the gut feeling that something wasn't quite right. What couldn't possibly be right?!? I had planned my whole life for this day, it was a righteous desire and here we were picking up the baby. What couldn't possibly be right in this situation?!? I immediately dismissed the idea. Little did I know it was my Heavenly Father preparing my heart yet once again for what would lie ahead. We went to Bryon's parents house to introduce them to their newest grandchild. We then headed home. My mom and sister were going to come up after church. They got there in the late afternoon and spent the evening admiring their new nephew and first grandchild. I spent a long night up every two hours to feed our new baby boy. I swear I was smiling every time I woke to feed him. I was just so excited that my family was here. Then that morning Bryon was fixing breakfast and the phone rang. It was the agency. The birthmother had had a change of heart and wanted her baby back. They wanted to know if we wanted to take the baby back to the agency or if they should come and get it. Bryon told them if he got in the car, we wouldn't be headed for Idaho Falls so they better come and get it. I remember the next hour until they got there going by in slow motion. I fed him, changed his diaper, and then put him in the clothes I would send him back to his mother in. I literally felt like I was dressing this baby for his burial. I was in a sense. . . his death to me. I cried my eyes out. When the worker arrived, we told him we didn't want to know of a baby next time until everything is signed on the dotted line. My heart just couldn't deal with this anymore. The worker said to me, "Now, Jennifer, don't be so rushed in your decision." I wanted to scream. "DON'T BE SO RUSHED! I have just survived two months of living hell and you are telling me not to rush to any decisions!" I remember sometime during the day having a conversation with my mom that has stuck with me all this time and I would remember over and over again as times got tough. I told her we would never adopt. I asked her, "Who in their right mind would be pregnant for nine months, go through the pains of delivery and then give that child to perfect strangers? No one in their right mind." My mom said to me, "It takes someone so unselfish to offer such a huge sacrifice." I knew my mom was right, I just needed to make my heart believe it!

Bryon and I decided to take matters into our own hands and look into other adoption agencies. I actually found a girl in Utah that knew quite a bit about adoption and helped us look into other avenues to pursue. We actually filled out paperwork with another adoption agency. This acquaintance had also suggested we look into this facilitator. She said she knew that facilitators got a bad rap in adoption but she had found this one that she trusted. We ended up hooking up with this facilitator. As it turned we ended up being selected for a baby that was born in March in Texas. We had to wire her $3,000 before we could find out the specifics of this baby. That morning again I got that pit in my stomach but dismissed it. We borrowed the money from my parents and wired the money to this facilitator. The baby boy had been born in Texas. We ended up working with the facilitator as well as our social worker on tying up some loose ends for this adoption to happen. I remember it being a Friday. She wanted the weekend and then we were to find out on Monday about flying out to Texas. I called our worker on Monday morning to see what the verdict was, if I needed to buy plane tickets to Texas or not. The worker said to me, "Now who are you?" I wanted to scream. We had been through two brutal failed adoptions and had been working hard the week before on this third adoption and he had no idea who we were. I lost it. I told Bryon there was no hope of us ever getting a child. As it turned out this birthmother had hid her pregnancy from her family. Once they found out she had a baby, they talked her into keeping it.

I think the other thing that has made me drag my feet on posting this is I didn't want to sound negative to birthmothers. I in no way want to convey that. I can only imagine what a hard decision they are faced with. It was a few years later that I was able to talk with the birthmother's worker who delivered in January. I learned a few things about her situation. Some things had transpired in her life over the past couple of years and she needed that baby to help her through. I also on the other hand had a very spiritual experience one day concerning why all this bad had to happen before any good. I know without a doubt that they happened for a reason and we ended up with the children that were meant to come into our home. I know November is over but I really do want to finish our adoption journey. I don't want to leave on such a gloomy note. It really does it get better, it couldn't have gotten much worse! Stay tuned. I have a few other things that I want to catch up on blogging and I will not wait so long to post the rest of the story!

Wait and Hope

Bryon and I met with LDS Family Services (it was called LDS Social Services at the time) to see what the process would be in adopting. There were mounds and mounds of paperwork to be completed. Once again, I felt like our life was an open book to be scrutinized by others. It was also required that we take a six-week adoption class that was offered one night a week. The Logan agency (which is where we were going through) met with the Ogden agency in Ogden. Once a week, Bryon and I drove to Odgen to attend the classes. We loved our weekly class. We drove over to Ogden and tried to eat somewhere fun before going to class. We learned so much from these adoption classes. We learned about the adoption process but more importantly we met with other couples who were also going through this process. We learned we were not the only ones! We completed the paperwork in Logan just before we moved to Idaho for Bryon to take a teaching job.

Moving delayed the process a little. We had to redo some of the paperwork and then we had to meet with the social worker here a couple of times. We soon grew very frustrated. Let’s just say the social worker was anything but warm and fuzzy. We had just purchased a new house. When the social worker came to look at our house, he was very vocal about how our house was not “family friendly.” Our house was split level. The master suite was on the top floor and then the other two bedrooms were two flights of stairs below us. I wanted to cry. (Actually, I think I did). We had just bought this $80,000+ home and our social worker was telling us it wouldn’t work. It wasn’t like we could take it back to the store and get a refund! We had also put that we were willing to accept a child of any race. Our social worker strongly suggested that we should only adopt a white-race infant for our first child. He told us that adoption was hard enough for these children to face let alone throwing in the race card. This is such a vulnerable time in the process. We changed the paperwork to match the social worker’s request. It wasn’t long before it was very evident to both Bryon and I putting down we would only accept a white child was not what we were supposed to do. We called the worker and after much talking, begging, and pleading, we were able to change the paperwork back.

Then the wait began. We waited and waited and waited. We would get calls wondering if we would accept a certain situation and then would never hear back or would hear back that she had chosen another family.

I always thought I would have to be a working mom. We decided to take a huge leap of faith and I soon left my job working at a local bank and decided to start watching a few children in my home. This was a blessing. I was able to work from home, I would be able to be at home with our children when they came, and still bring in some income to help make ends meet. However, this was very painful at first. Watching other’s children was a constant reminder for me, that I couldn’t have what I wanted most. . . a child of my own. I had also worked outside the home for the first three years of our marriage. I loved the social aspect. All of a sudden I was home alone watching children that fell short of meeting my social needs.

It would be another long and painful eight months before we would welcome our first child into our home.

National Adoption Awareness Month

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. This is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I wouldn't be able to have a family without it. Throughout the month, I will be sharing our journey through adoption, sharing my feelings (the good and the sad), paying tribute to our wonderful birthparents, and sharing some of my favorite thoughts, quotes and songs on the subject.

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day for me, runs a whole gamet of emotions.

First, and foremost, I want to wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day. Mom, I know that I was not the easiest child to raise, and Heaven knows I ruined plenty of Mother's Days for you. I don't think words can ever begin to explain my depth of love and gratitude I have for you. You are truly one of the most classiest women I know. I have learned over the years about the Pehrson trait you have. The Pehrson's are known for being quiet. While you are quiet, I have learned so much from your quiet lessons and gentle strength. I love you so much!

Next, I want to wish my mother-in-law, Dorothy, a Happy Mother's Day. Dorothy raised six wonderful children. I see so much of her in my husband. I thank you so much for all that you taught Bryon through the years. He helps out so much around the house, he is strong in the gospel and is a wonderful husband and father. I attribute so much of what my husband is today to you. I also want to thank you so much for all you do for our little family.

Last, and certainly not least, are the birthmothers of our four children. I owe so much to each of you! Your unselfish sacrifice has given me the ultimate gift. The word thank you do not seem adequate enough. Your trust in me, makes me strive each day to be a better mother than the day before. I hold my children just a little closer, hug them just a little longer knowing you wish you could. Each of you hold a very special place in our family!

Happy Birthday Conner

This is a blog I have been thinking about and planning for the past several days. It's official! Conner turned five years old today. Birthdays bring on mixed emotions for me. I celebrate the day my childen were born and I revel in the memories of all their years to this point. Yet my heart aches for their amazing birthparents who not only gave them life but a loving family too. My heart aches a little more on each of my children's birthdays knowing that their birthparents are missing them just a little more that day than any normal day.

While I do enjoy writing poetry, I found this poem from a friend that I think conveys my feelings so much better than I ever could. However, I have tweaked it just a little to make it fit our situation. This poem goes out to my sweet birthday boy and his birthparents, Steve & Brenda.

I didn't even know you

the day we got the call.

We met five years ago,

inside the agency walls.

We did not know that day,

as we went our seperate ways

that our paths would cross again,

another time, another day.

Though time has passed

since we met again

you are no longer a stranger

but have become a dear friend.

And now today as we reflect

the day that we all met,

I can't help but contemplate

the gratitude -- the debt.

A loving Father let you leave

His loving, caring arms

to come down to this mortal world,

where I would be your mom.

But unlike others, your path here

would lead you to another.

One who would give birth to you;

she's your dear birthmother.

How I wish to tell her

the joy you bring each day.

How your family loves you

in all you do and say.

It doesn't matter how you came

though to some it may seem strange.

Both your mothers love you so

And that will never change!