Heartache

It has taken me a while to get the next part of our adoption journey. I think it has been so hard because the next part of our journey is one that was filled with lots of sorrow and heartbreak.

Little did I know how much heartache my heart would have to endure the next three months before Sam would come into our home. I don't know why all of our adoption mishaps happened over three-day weekends. They did and I began to HATE three day weekends.

In January 1999 we received a phone call from the agency about a birth mom who was considering us. She had some questions for us. The social worker went on to ask me some of the questions this particular birthmother had for us. I hated being put in this position. I was on the spot, needed to answer immediately and knew based on whether or not she liked the answer I gave, determined whether or not she would select us to parent her baby. I tried to answer the questions correctly but also remain true to ourselves. I felt really good about my conversation with the social worker. I just had one of those feelings that this was it. However, I soon began to doubt those feelings because we didn't immediately hear back from our social worker. I was beginning to think that she had chosen someone else.

The next phone call I got was from the agency saying that she had the baby. It was a beautiful African-American baby girl. The agency informed me that this birthmother had previously placed a child for adoption several years earlier. They felt that she was very familiar with the process and with the feelings that go along with it. They were very confident that she was sure in her decision. This baby was born fairly local and we wouldn't have to travel far to pick her up. We were to go meet the birthmom and the birthgrandmother on a Friday. This is known as a face-to face meeting. At the time they usually happened once the birthmother had chosen you as the family and before she actually had the baby. However, because of circumstances beyond their control we would actually meet her right before we picked up our new baby girl. We then would be able to pick up our baby and head home. I was so excited. We only had a matter of days to get everything put together to bring a new baby home. We could hardly contain our excitement! Word quickly spread that we were were going to be new parents. Our neighborhood was great. It seems that on Thursday before we were to leave, our doorbell hardly quit ringing. Friends and neighbors brought over clothes, diaper bags, formula, and diapers to help us to prepare for our new addition. About 8:30 p.m. I got sick. I felt nauseated, feverish, and had a terrible sore throat. I dismissed it to nerves and went around feverishly trying to put together the last of the things I would need for the next day's events. Bryon and I finally climbed into bed somewhere around 10:30 p.m. Shortly after we climbed into bed, the phone rang. Bryon answered it. It didn't take me long to figure out that the news wasn't good. The social worker said that things started unravelling earlier in the day but didn't want to worry us unnecessarily. Some workers from the agency had gone to the temple in prayer for this birthmother and for us. Upon leaving the temple, they received word that the birthmother had been released from the hospital. She was having doubts about her decision to place her baby for adoption. She wanted to place the baby with a foster home for the extended weekend to sort out her feelings before making a final decision. We were devastated! We found out the birthmother had been released at almost the exact time that I began getting sick. I believe this to be one of those tender mercies that Elder Bednar talked about at a recent General Conference. I know this was Heavenly Father's way of letting me know that he was aware of me and was helping me to prepare my heart for the heartache that would unfold later that night. Instead of spending a sleepless night filled with the excitement of being new parents, we spent a very restless night wondering once again if our dreams of ever being parents would ever be fulfilled. The next morning, we packed our bags and headed to Burley to spend the weekend with my parents. While we were gone, our neighborhood came and packed away all of the baby items so we didn't have a constant reminder when we came home. We didn't even need to call the agency on Tuesday morning to see what the birthmother's decision was, we knew in our hearts the answer was "Not yet. Have faith and be patient."

Just before President's Day we got a phone call the first of the week about another possible situation. As I remember she wasn't due for about a month but her blood pressure was pretty high. They were doing some tests on the baby that very week and if the doctors felt like the lungs were developed enough they were going to take the baby. Our worker informed us this was a 99% chance go. The birthmother was a very young girl who had gotten pregnant from a rape. He also told us that her mother had placed a child for adoption years ago and so she had the support of a mom who had been through all of this before. This baby was Guatamalan. We were cautiously optimistic. Yes, we had been burned before but who couldn't possible get excited about a new baby?!? As it turned out we had plans to go to Burley. It was my sister Alyson's senior year. We were going to watch her cheer in one of her last games. Our social worker tried to talk us out of going to Burley for the weekend. I was not going to change my plans to stay home and sit by the phone and wait. We told the social worker we were leaving but left phone numbers where he could reach us. We received word upon getting to Burley that she had a darling baby boy who was small but perfectly healthy. We could pick him up on Sunday (which happened to be Valentine's Day that year). We were so excited. So on Sunday morning we left Burley that morning and drove back to Idaho Falls. We went to the agency where both her worker and our worker were there. The birthmother chose not to be there because she didn't want to meet us. I remember signing the papers and hearing our new baby cry in the next room. After signing the papers, we went in the next room and her worker placed our new baby boy in my arms. For one brief instant, I got the gut feeling that something wasn't quite right. What couldn't possibly be right?!? I had planned my whole life for this day, it was a righteous desire and here we were picking up the baby. What couldn't possibly be right in this situation?!? I immediately dismissed the idea. Little did I know it was my Heavenly Father preparing my heart yet once again for what would lie ahead. We went to Bryon's parents house to introduce them to their newest grandchild. We then headed home. My mom and sister were going to come up after church. They got there in the late afternoon and spent the evening admiring their new nephew and first grandchild. I spent a long night up every two hours to feed our new baby boy. I swear I was smiling every time I woke to feed him. I was just so excited that my family was here. Then that morning Bryon was fixing breakfast and the phone rang. It was the agency. The birthmother had had a change of heart and wanted her baby back. They wanted to know if we wanted to take the baby back to the agency or if they should come and get it. Bryon told them if he got in the car, we wouldn't be headed for Idaho Falls so they better come and get it. I remember the next hour until they got there going by in slow motion. I fed him, changed his diaper, and then put him in the clothes I would send him back to his mother in. I literally felt like I was dressing this baby for his burial. I was in a sense. . . his death to me. I cried my eyes out. When the worker arrived, we told him we didn't want to know of a baby next time until everything is signed on the dotted line. My heart just couldn't deal with this anymore. The worker said to me, "Now, Jennifer, don't be so rushed in your decision." I wanted to scream. "DON'T BE SO RUSHED! I have just survived two months of living hell and you are telling me not to rush to any decisions!" I remember sometime during the day having a conversation with my mom that has stuck with me all this time and I would remember over and over again as times got tough. I told her we would never adopt. I asked her, "Who in their right mind would be pregnant for nine months, go through the pains of delivery and then give that child to perfect strangers? No one in their right mind." My mom said to me, "It takes someone so unselfish to offer such a huge sacrifice." I knew my mom was right, I just needed to make my heart believe it!

Bryon and I decided to take matters into our own hands and look into other adoption agencies. I actually found a girl in Utah that knew quite a bit about adoption and helped us look into other avenues to pursue. We actually filled out paperwork with another adoption agency. This acquaintance had also suggested we look into this facilitator. She said she knew that facilitators got a bad rap in adoption but she had found this one that she trusted. We ended up hooking up with this facilitator. As it turned we ended up being selected for a baby that was born in March in Texas. We had to wire her $3,000 before we could find out the specifics of this baby. That morning again I got that pit in my stomach but dismissed it. We borrowed the money from my parents and wired the money to this facilitator. The baby boy had been born in Texas. We ended up working with the facilitator as well as our social worker on tying up some loose ends for this adoption to happen. I remember it being a Friday. She wanted the weekend and then we were to find out on Monday about flying out to Texas. I called our worker on Monday morning to see what the verdict was, if I needed to buy plane tickets to Texas or not. The worker said to me, "Now who are you?" I wanted to scream. We had been through two brutal failed adoptions and had been working hard the week before on this third adoption and he had no idea who we were. I lost it. I told Bryon there was no hope of us ever getting a child. As it turned out this birthmother had hid her pregnancy from her family. Once they found out she had a baby, they talked her into keeping it.

I think the other thing that has made me drag my feet on posting this is I didn't want to sound negative to birthmothers. I in no way want to convey that. I can only imagine what a hard decision they are faced with. It was a few years later that I was able to talk with the birthmother's worker who delivered in January. I learned a few things about her situation. Some things had transpired in her life over the past couple of years and she needed that baby to help her through. I also on the other hand had a very spiritual experience one day concerning why all this bad had to happen before any good. I know without a doubt that they happened for a reason and we ended up with the children that were meant to come into our home. I know November is over but I really do want to finish our adoption journey. I don't want to leave on such a gloomy note. It really does it get better, it couldn't have gotten much worse! Stay tuned. I have a few other things that I want to catch up on blogging and I will not wait so long to post the rest of the story!