Broken Dreams

Like I mentioned, November is National Adoption Awareness Month. I really wanted to get our adoption story written: not necessarily for whoever reads this blog but for our family. I guess I better get writing because we have been blessed with four beautiful children through the miracle of adoption and the month is already half over!

After Bryon and I were married for a year before we decided to start a family. It seems like being a mom or a dad is something you dream and plan for your whole life. You never dream in a million years that there will ever be a problem in accomplishing this dream. When there are problems in accomplishing this dream, it is a huge SHOCK. We had been trying on our own for about six months before we felt like maybe we should start looking for medical help. We worked with my OB/GYN doctor for about a year. We did everything from the basil thermometer, to Chlomid, to having Bryon tested. I got so frustrated with this process. This process was hard for me. I began to feel “dehumanized” in a sense. It seemed to me that most sacred and intimate part of our relationship was now an open book for doctors to prod and poke at. After working with my doctor for a year, he suggested we go to Salt Lake to see a specialist. I was so excited! Finally we were going to be able to work with someone who deals with problems like ours day in and day out. Bryon on the other hand had a total opposite reaction. He felt like we must really be bad off for them to send us to a specialist.

We only went to Salt Lake twice to meet with specialists. Bryon and I felt like we had gotten all the answers we needed to move on to the next phase of trying to start a family. There were a couple of things that happened during these two visits that helped us make our decision. During our first visit with the specialist he said some things that really stuck out in my mind. He must have seen the stars in my eyes. I just knew he was going to help Bryon and I reach our desire to have a biological child. He said, “Some couples come to me with stars in their eyes, expecting me to perform a miracle for them. Sometimes that miracle isn’t in the cards and they need look at other options to have a family.” At first, I hardly gave this comment much thought. However, as we began trying to make some decisions, this statement would ring over and over in my mind. There was one medical procedure that they said we could try. The cost was around $12,000. However, it gave us a 20% chance that month of getting pregnant. I know you are thinking that 20% is not very good odds. The doctor told us 20% chance is the percentage that any couple not using any form of birth control has at getting pregnant during that month. I was so excited. For the first time in this whole process, I would be able to rank right up there with a “normal” couple. My dreams were soon dashed when the doctor reminded me that most of these couples aren’t paying $12,000 at that 20% chance. At that point in our lives, Bryon was still going to school. We weren’t exactly raking in the bucks. Bryon was studying to be a school teacher and so we knew we would never have a ton of money. The talk of spending $12,000 on one simple procedure struck us more than probably any thing else.

At this point I felt like having a family was totally out of my control. I felt like my dream of having a child was slipping through my fingers and I had no way to grab and hang on to that dream.

I often get asked how Bryon and I finally arrived at the decision to adopt. For every couple, this is such a personal decision. For us the decision to start the adoption process was a very easy process. Bryon and I are both doers. So if having a biological child wasn’t in the cards for us, what was the next step? For us, the next step was to look into adoption.

This decision was an easy one for us but it didn’t mean it was any less painful. We mourned the loss of a biological child that would never be. This time in my life was truly one of darkness and despair. Here are some of the quiet thoughts and feelings I had during that time. I felt that God was right. The whole reason I wasn’t able to conceive was I would be an AWFUL mom. I felt like God had forgotten me. I was a very rebellious child in junior high and high school. Was this God’s payback for what I had done? I grew to hate Mother’s Day programs at church and began skipping church on Mother’s Day all together. It hurt so much whenever I heard of some one expecting a baby, or attending a baby blessing or baby shower. Not that I wasn’t truly happy for those who were celebrating this new phase in life, it was just that I ached so much to feel that same joy.

It is amazing to me that out of all this doubt, darkness and despair came some of the sweetest blessings in my life. I never felt closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. There were days in my life where I could literally feel the arms of my Savior around me and helping me along the way. My testimony grew tremendously during this time. I became aware that my Heavenly Father was indeed there. He was mindful of me. He was watching over us and would prepare a way for us to have a family if we would just trust in Him!